Personal Statement

Personal Statement

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Cold Snaps and Gold Snaps

It's May 2nd, in Texas, and I am wearing a puffer vest.  And wishing I thought to stuff gloves in my bag.

In other news, the aqua blue Lilly Pulitzer puffer vest with the tropical floral-print lining that Spouse characterized as the poster child for all vanity purchases? 

LOOKING PRETTY DANG PRACTICAL.  I have worn the heck out of that thing over the last few months.  It keeps me warm, but I still look sorta spring-y - well, as spring-y as one can look in a down-filled overgarment.

Here's the thing:  I am never sure how I am supposed to dress when the weather does crazy things.  If it's after Easter, is it okay to break out the black tights that you shoved to the back of the closet when (you THOUGHT) the last chance for frost had passed?  I can tell you that it doesn't FEEL right when you were wearing ice cream pastels just the day before.  It feels ****ing schizophrenic, that's what it feels like.  Of course, the other alternative is to wear what you would otherwise wear on a spring day, and walk around with your teeth chattering, looking like a complete moron incapable of processing a weather report.

I know that I am not the only woman who frets over this.  I have seen too many spring-dress-and-Ugg-boot combos in the lobby of my office building to think otherwise.  (I am told by a friend who is currently living in London that the schizophrenic look is the dress code during three out of the four seasons in the UK:  parka over a sundress with tights and boots.  I guess at some point you just give up and say, "I'm clothed.  I'm reasonably comfortable.  We're DONE.")

So, new business plan:  Thinsulate-lined linen and shearling-lined sandals.  I'm gonna make a killing.

Meanwhile, Spouse wakes up all chipper:  "Can you believe how lucky we are to be having this weather?"  SERIOUSLY?  Men lead such a charmed life.  "Am I appearing in court today, or attending a business meeting, or having an audience with the Pope/the Queen/Donald Trump?  No?  Okay, so long-sleeved polo-colored shirt or short-sleeved polo-colored shirt?"  Then it's a matter of grabbing the first shirt of the appropriate type that is within grabbing distance (hence the reason that Spouse has - and I am not making this up - forty or fifty golf shirts, but he only cycles through two or three of them). 

No "will the buttons on this shirt clash with the hardware on my purse or shoes," because he has no purse, and his shoes are remarkably lacking in hardware.  Yes, as I type this, I am realizing that we bring these extistential crises on ourselves, by not demanding that retailers keep their products fuss-free.  The thing is, I LIKE the fuss - as in, I really LOVE the gold snaps on my Lilly Pulitzer puffer vest, which mitigate in favor of the Kendra Scott earrings with the gold trim, but - oh, snap, that means I can't wear the loafers with the silver vamp trim, and what bag am I carrying currently?  Spouse, for the record, this is why your wife has twenty pairs of black shoes and is known to cycle through four handbags in a week.  The female equivalent of "I only wear the polo shirts that are hanging in the front" is "I coordinated a week's worth of work outfits around THIS PURSE because I don't want to go to the trouble of moving my stuff over to a different one."

So, note to designers:  if you could find a way to make a bag both black AND navy blue with a combination of gold- and silvertone hardware, you could, maybe, make a LOT of money.  But don't touch the Thinsulate-lined linen idea - it's all mine.