You might be a mother if you see this item advertised on One Kings Lane and think, "Oh, they finally made Emmet's double-decker couch from 'LEGO Movie.'"
(You might also be a mother if your law partner basically starts hyperventilating because his secretary is out sick, you offer to help him out and enlist the services of your own assistant, and then you seek to reassure him by singing, "EVERYTHING IS AWESOME! EVERYTHING IS COOL WHEN YOU'RE PART OF A TEAM!")
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Every time I am scrolling through the movie channels on our TV and I see "Snitch," I get excited for a split second, because I think it says "Hitch," and I think I'm going to get to see Kevin James do THIS:
EVERY. TIME.
If "Snitch" (starring, I believe, Dwayne Johnson?) is also airing on HBO's Spanish-language channel, then it shows up twice in the program guide, about five lines apart. AND I READ IT AS "HITCH" BOTH TIMES.
Because I really like "Hitch." And the kids really like Kevin James. Meaning we have ALL of the moves down:
Start the fire.
The feet are going.
Start the fire, make the pizza.
Hips: always going.
Can't get enough hip.
Q-Tip.
Q-Tip.
Throw it away.
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My children have decided that Spouse and I have our own twin language. They aren't wrong. We do tend to blurt out the same, seemingly-out-of-nowhere-and-totally-random responses. Roughly 50% of them are derived from Saturday Night Live skits, and the rest are movie lines.
A statistically significant number of the lines come from Nora Ephron movies.
If someone says, "Who is she?" we are both likely to answer: "Helen Hilson. She's a lawyer. She's keeping her name."
Upon hearing a reference to Michigan State: "No, she went to Northwestern, but they're both Big 10 schools."
When speculating that one is getting sick: "I'll stay up and moan. Maybe I should practice now. Mmm. Mmm."
When discussing foods beginning with the letter P: "Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash, but I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie. YOUR PEECAN PIIIIIIIIE."
When shopping for furniture: "This STUPID, WAGON WHEEL,ROY ROGERS, GARAGE SALE COFFEE TABLE!"
(In lieu of saying something romantic: "I want you to know . . that I will never . . . want that wagon wheel coffee table.")
Upon hearing Deborah Kerr's name: "Is it CARR or KERR?"
Upon any mention of "The Dirty Dozen": "Trini Lopez!" "STAHHHHP!"
When the kids botch anything related to geography: "Do you know where Oklahoma is?" "Somewhere in the middle?" "I'm not even going to think about what they're not teaching you in school."
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