Things My Mom Says on the Phone

"Hello?"

"It's Mum. [My mom pronounces her name 'Mum,' like she's British, notwithstanding the fact that I call her 'Mom,' or 'Momma.'  I cannot account for this.  Also, she insists on identifying herself to me on the phone, as if (1) I don't have caller ID and/or (2) I would not recognize my own mother's voice.]  You're probably watching 'The Voice.'"

"Actually, I just got home from the store, and PJ had already appropriated the TV in our bedroom, so I'm taping it and will watch it later.  What's up?"

"I need you to make some calls from me."

"Ohhhhhkay."  [At this point, I'm thinking that either something has come up with their health insurance, and they want me, their attorney daughter, to intercede on their behalf.  Or perhaps it's a thing with the city - an easement issue or some such?]

"I want you to vote for Maria and Roshon."

"Huh?"

"MARIA AND ROSHON.  On 'Dancing with the Stars.'  I want you to vote for both of them."

"So you want me to call . . ."

"ABC.  Six times for Maria, and six times for Roshon."

"Maria . . . Menounos?"

"Yes.  And Roshon is from the Disney Channel.  He's adorable.  He's a great dancer."

"Riiiiiiight.  Most of the kids from Disney are.   They tend to hire triple threats.  And, also, fairly sure that he's on 'Shake It Up,' which is actually a show about dancing."

"The important thing is that you vote for someone other than Melissa Gilbert.  I hate her."

"Sure, because Half-Pint inspires those kinds of feelings in folks."

"So, here are the numbers to call.  [She gives me the numbers.]  The lines are open now.  So I'm hanging up, so that you can start calling."

Yes, I actually called.  Roshon's line was busy every time, so I kept voting for Maria.  Six times.  Then I tried Roshon's number again, and was told that six was the maximum number of calls that I could make from my phone, period, and not just for one contestant.

At that exact moment, my phone rings.

"I was wrong.  You can only vote six times total, not six times per contestant."

"Yeah, I just discovered that myself.  The automated message told me to vote on abc.com, so I'm logging on now. [WHY AM I LOGGING IN?  BECAUSE IT'S MY MOTHER.  SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME.  AND, ALSO, YOU HAVE TO PICK YOUR BATTLES.]"

"If that doesn't work, have your husband call."

"Ummmmmm, yeah, I'll just do the abc.com thing.  [NOT BRINGING YOUR SON-IN-LAW INTO THIS INSANITY.]"

In case it wasn't obvious from the foregoing, allow me to explain that my mother is like an old-school Chicago ward boss when it comes to DWTS voting.  SHE VOTES ON BEHALF OF DECEASED PEOPLE.  I am not making that up.  My grandfather, God rest his soul, continued to log DWTS votes for a year-plus after his demise.  Yes, I just outed my mother for DWTS voting fraud.  Fairly sure that she's not the only one.

Because this is serious business.  HALF-PINT MUST BE DEFEATED AT ALL COSTS.

I love my momma.  Or mum.  Whatever.