Love Note to Apple Tech Support

Just in time for Valentine's Day.

This is the text of an actual e-mail that I sent to Apple customer support - um, about two minutes ago.  I don't expect a response - on account of how the "customer support" page told me, "YOU WILL NOT GET A RESPONSE."  Hence the reason that I just typed "customer support" in "quotes."  But, whatever - free rein to rant.

[Disclaimer:  North Texas has had some freakishly warm weather this winter, and the grass is sprouting early as a result, meaning that grass pollen season is overlapping with mountain cedar season, and there is a rave going on in my sinuses.  Seriously.  Every cavity in my head is going, "oontz, oontz, OONTZ, OONTZ."  My eustachian tubes are like subwoofers about to blow.  The histamines are waving glow sticks around.  It's getting CUH-RAZY up in there.

As a result, I'm more than a wee bit irritable.

Moving on.]

SUBJECT:  Defining "Customer UN-friendliness"

So I forgot my iTunes login, because I managed to block out of my mind the fact that, a few weeks ago, I was required to randomly capitalize a letter in my go-to password.  (Why?  To protect hackers from pirating my download of the magnum opus, "Shake Your Tailfeather," from the Bad Boys 2 soundtrack?)  When I tried to retrieve it, I was asked for my birth date - and then told that my birth date was incorrect.  Ohhhhhkay.  Turns out that my teenaged son, with whom I share an iTunes account, attempted to change the birth date security question to HIS birthday, but he forgot to change the year, so the current birth date on file for me is a hybrid of my birth date and his.  After going through multiple tortuous steps to reacquaint myself with my password, I tried to correct my birth date - AND WAS INFORMED THAT I COULD NOT DO SO WITHOUT RESETTING THE ****ING PASSWORD I JUST RETRIEVED THIRTY SECONDS BEFORE.  I was also prompted to choose three - count 'em, three - new security questions from among a short list of equally ridiculous choices that all read like, "Who was your elementary school best friend's first pet's favorite car?"  First of all, best friend isn't a person, it's a tier.  Also, I'm 42 years old - if I have trouble remembering my password, do you really think I remember names and dates?  Except my birthday - I remember that day, but I can't convince YOU that I remember it without changing my password.  Heck with it - I'll go with the mashup date that my kid created, and I will have no trouble remembering it, because every time I am prompted to enter it, I'll go, "OH, YEAH - IT'S THE FAKE DATE THAT I GOT STUCK WITH BECAUSE ITUNES WAS BEING TOTALLY UNREASONABLE THAT ONE NIGHT THAT MY SPOUSE HAD TO RESTRAIN ME FROM THROWING MY COMPUTER AGAINST A WALL."  Oh, and the reason that I am posting this on "Apple Support Contact Us" is because, when I attempted to send a simple e-mail, or initiate a Web chat, to ask if it was possible to change my birth date without having to learn another new ridiculous alphanumeric, case-sensitive password, I was forced to answer a bunch of ridiculous questions to narrow down my search query, and then advised that the best solution to my problem was to (1) call Apple now or (2) arrange to call Apple later (HUH?).  Period.  No "less best" options were provided.  What if I just want to communicate with someone electronically?  EVERY OTHER WEBSITE UNDER THE SUN HAS SOME FORM OF ELECTRONIC CONTACT INTERFACE.  GET WITH THE PROGRAM, PEOPLE.  By the way, this is the reason that every member of my family has an Android phone.  All of us.  We even handed an old one down to my eight year-old.  JUST TO TICK OFF OUR FRIENDS AT THE APPLE CORPORATION.

Peace out, "geniuses."