High-Level Phone Conference Between Parents of Teenaged Son

Spouse:  I'm thinking of taking the Big Kid to Sears after school.

Me:  Okay, reason?

Spouse:  He's outgrown his shoes.  Again.  And Sears is having a BOGO sale.

Me:  Brands?

Spouse:  Athletic brands.  You know, like New Balance and stuff.  [Editor's note:  IT'S ALWAYS NEW BALANCE WITH SPOUSE.  HE DRANK THE KOOL-AID, AND IT IS SOMEHOW STILL SLOSHING AROUND IN HIS BELLY.]

Me:  [Rolling my eyes as Big Kid's proxy.]  You know he hates New Balance.  When he says he needs shoes, he means Vans, or Converse.  Something canvas with zero arch support.

Spouse:  He can get those, too.  But he needs athletic shoes.

Me:  By the way, I still have multiple pairs of New Balance in my car from Christmas.  The ones that he rejected and you still haven't sent back.  [Yes, I was proving a point.]

Spouse:  He outgrew them before he got them.

Me:  Yes, and he rejected the CONCEPT of them before he got them, too.  Lucky for him, his feet grow every third day.  But Sears is a good idea, if you wait for me to get home first.  If we take him to [name of mall that we rarely go to because we are dyed-in-the-wool West Side-ers whose car naturally points TO THE WEST, and "other mall" is TO THE SOUTH - and .8 miles farther away], the Sears there has Lands' End, and he can try on swimsuits, because he needs swimsuits that aren't competition Speedos and can be worn in polite company, and he likes Lands' End because they have an actual functional drawstring.  [Parents of older, specifically male children:  am I the only one who feels momentarily smug when I can pull a personal detail like this out of my hindquarters?  See, World, I am a fully engaged parent - I KNOW HIS SWIMSUIT DRAWSTRING PREFERENCE.]

Spouse:  Good point. 

Me:  And it also has a Hollister, and he recently asked for tees without ironic-and/or-nerdy logos on them, specifically striped ones, specifically Mossimo or Hollister [MORE POINTS TO MOM FOR PAYING ATTENTION!], and Hollister is having a 50%-off online sale through this evening, with free shipping.  So if he could try stuff on in the store, then it would avoid me having to measure him, WHICH HE HATES, and I can place the order when we get back.

Spouse:  Perfect.  Wait, what's Hollister?

Me:  It's the "Southern California lifestyle brand" of Abercrombie & Fitch.

Spouse:  UGH.  Seriously?

Me:  Okay, on your son's behalf, I would like to point out that he only recently decided that, maybe, he wanted to start dressing like a d-bag.  And most of his friends have been demanding to look like d-bags since they turned ten.

Spouse:  GOOD POINT.  [Name of Big Kid's friend] has been dressing like one since he was FIVE.

Me:  Exactly.  So we should give ourselves a pat on the back for making it to 14 1/2, and we should maybe indulge him a little bit.

Spouse:  Agreed.

Me:  Plus, the fact that he thinks that Mossimo - a Target brand - and Hollister are on par with one another is some indication that he is still somewhat adorably clueless.  That, or further evidence that Target is run by marketing geniuses.

Spouse: Well, we knew THAT.