Personal Statement

Personal Statement

Sunday, May 11, 2014

A Kid Born in 2004 Reviews "Dumbo"

Spouse has this weird, nostalgic thing for Disney cartoons.  Like, he LOVES, loves, LURVES "The Jungle Book," which I only tolerate because of Louis Prima's King Louis orangutan character.  ("I'm the king of the swingers, the jungle VIP . . . .") 

Because I have this weird, nostalgic thing for Louis Prima.  But that's (maybe) the subject of a future post.

Spouse holds "Dumbo" in roughly the same esteem as "Jungle Book," so when the elephant movie came on the Disney Channel on Mother's Day, he insisted on making the Little Kid and me watch it.

Umm, yaaaaaaaaay.  Actually, it was awesome, because the Little Kid - not unlike the Big Kid before him - lives in my head, and shares my thoughts, but he can get away with voicing those thoughts in ways that I cannot.  (I mean, I DO voice them, and Spouse rolls his eyes - but then one of the kids says the EXACT SAME THING, COMPLETELY UNPROMPTED, and suddenly I'm on my feet, all triumphant-like, pointing at whichever kid it is and shouting, "BOOM!  TOLD YA!")

So the film begins, and I'm sort of paying attention, because I find the stork character's canned birth announcement speech semi-amusing.  The Little Kid is glued to whatever is on the screen of his tablet computer, and is therefore paying zero attention, until Dumbo's ears unfurl.  And then:

Ooooh, I get it.  The other female elephants are freaking out because they're Asian elephants, and Mrs. Jumbo is an Asian elephant, too, but her baby has HUGE EARS, so the baby's dad is probably an African elephant, and they think that's scandalous.

Spouse:  [Opens and closes mouth like a fish.  For what won't be the last time.]

Me [in my head]:  YES!  ELEPHANT JERRY SPRINGER!  This show just got marginally more interesting!

Spouse:  Ohhhhhhkay, I'll admit I never thought about it like THAT before, but, yes, you're right that African elephants do have larger ears . . . .

Significantly larger ears, Dad.

Me [out loud this time]:  Yes, and that would explain why the other female elephants are being so hateful to Mrs. Jumbo, because they are judgmental bigots who enjoy casting stones, which, BY THE WAY, IS THE MAIN REASON THAT I HAVE ALWAYS HATED THIS MOVIE.

Spouse:  Huh?


Spouse:  Yeah, okay, I think you're reading too much into it . . . .

Me:  Nope, it's "Mean Girls," but with elephants, and an unfunny script.

After I pin Spouse's ears back (small pun intended), minutes pass without anyone saying anything.  And then:

I'm sorry - are the elephant and the mouse DRUNK?

Spouse:  Umm, a little bit.

But Dumbo's a KID.  A baby, really.  AND BABIES SHOULDN'T DRINK.

Spouse:  They didn't mean to get drunk.

Alcohol shouldn't be where kids can drink it ACCIDENTALLY.  And they're making it out like it's funny that he's drunk, and a kid being drunk ISN'T FUNNY.

Back from commercial break, and in come the crows:

Okay, how is this not racist?

I think it's a safe bet that we won't be watching "Dumbo" again in the near future. 

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