Parenting Advice Through Ramones Song Titles

When “Mama’s Boy” starts shouting “I Don’t Want to Grow Up,” you might want to “Beat on the Brat,” or tell him “I Don’t Want You” and drop him off at the nearest fire station. Particularly when you get the call from school that your “Animal Boy” dropped trou in the lunchroom – on the day that he chose to go “Commando.”

Meanwhile, “Sheena is a Punk Rocker” since she started “Rock n Roll High School.” “She’s a Sensation” with all of the senior guys, who call the house at all hours pleading, “I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend” – leaving you, the parent, on “Needles and Pins” when she fails to come home by curfew.

In the depths of your parental despair, you may find yourself thumbing through the Yellow Pages, looking for a surgeon to perform a “Teenage Lobotomy.”

But for those times when the kids have you “Howling at the Moon” and you find yourself thinking “I Don’t Want to Live This Life (Anymore),” The Ramones have some suggestions to “Take the Pain Away”:

Better living through chemicals. Speak up. Tell the world, “I Wanna Be Sedated,” or “Somebody Put Something in My Drink.” Your family doctor and/or close friends will listen. Just be careful not to slide down the slope into addiction: if you hear yourself saying, “Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue,” seek help – immediately.

Alternative treatments. Pills and booze weren’t enough to give you the “Strength to Endure” your “Cretin Family”? Or did the doc inform you that “I Can’t Give You Anything?” Then maybe it’s time for some “Psycho Therapy” – a “Journey to the Center of the Mind,” if you will. If that doesn’t work, don’t be afraid to say “Gimme Gimme Shock Therapy.”

A retreat to your “happy place.” Take an “Endless Vacation” – without the kids. I hear that “Rockaway Beach” is lovely this time of year. Or consider a vacation to the “Garden of Serenity” that is your backyard.

Denial. It ain’t just a river in Egypt. Repeat to yourself: “I Believe in Miracles.” “It’s Gonna Be Alright.” “We’re a Happy Family.” Say it enough, and you might begin to believe it.

Perspective. Just remember, your kids will be “Here Today, Gone Tomorrow.” Soon, the nest will be empty, and you will find yourself mumbling, “I Just Want to Have Something to Do.”

So “Take It as It Comes.” You’ll be fine. And please do not interpret this post as an endorsement of any form of abuse – child, substance or otherwise. For the record: “I’m Against It.”

(The fact that I am posting this eleven days into the kids' Winter Break - only six more days to go, but who's counting? - is ENTIRELY coincidental.)