1. Discovering that skiing, as an athletic pursuit, is apparently most similar to tennis (this, based on the fact that ski goggles accounted for 41 of 43 hits when I searched the category, “Racquet Sports” – wait, snowshoes sort of look like racquets, and you snowshoe in the snow, and you also SKI in the snow, so, yeah, I totally get it now; wait, no, I really don’t).
2. Learning that most people who searched for exercise equipment ultimately purchased a pillow pet. “Hey, I think I’ll get in shape. Aw, the hell with it; I’ll just take a nap.”
3. Typing “Gnomes” into the search menu . . . and generating 105 hits, including the 13-inch Travelocity Roaming Gnome. Product description is as follows: “The Travelocity Gnome is the perfect traveling companion as well as a whimsical gift. Whether he is placed in the garden on the mantle or checked through airport security the Travelocity Gnome makes for a fun reminder of things to come.” I think that there is a comma missing in there; I am unfamiliar with the concept of a “garden mantle” (or, for that matter, a “garden mantel”). But I do think that it might be fun to check a Travelocity Gnome through airport security. “Empty your pockets into the basket, please.” “Umm, okay, well, there’s my cell phone, and my wallet, and my GNOME.” He would make for an interesting shape on the X-ray machine. And, who knows, as crazy as the TSA seems to be, they might have him on a no-fly list. I would pay to see a TSA screener deliver a pat-down to a garden gnome.
The Roaming Gnome can be yours for $29.99 – and, evidently, you receive cash back if you join something called “Club O.” Does Oprah know about Club O? Because I thought that she locked down all of the intellectual property rights pertaining to that letter.
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