Turtle Porn

We accompanied friends from elsewhere in the Metroplex to the Fort Worth Zoo this afternoon, and of course we took them to MOLA, which, for the uninitiated, stands for "Museum of Living Art." MOLA is a herpetarium on steroids. Interesting factoid that I learned during my first tour through MOLA - the term "herpetarium" actually was coined at the Fort Wort Zoo. Learn something new every day, huh?

Today turned out to be pretty big in the annals of "learn something new" history, Zoo Edition. First thing we noticed when we got to MOLA: the giant tortoises had returned! The tortoises at our zoo have a bit of a rep, as years ago one of the bigger specimens managed to push his way through the fence of his old enclosure and led his keepers on a pretty spirited chase and game of hide-and-seek. (By the way, this is one of the "new somethings" that I learned while attending Zoo School with Connor when he was just a tot. The story stuck with me, because the idea of people chasing a tortoise through a zoological park - and the tortoise WINNING - struck me as incredibly funny.) You think of tortoises as being slow, but apparently when the mood comes upon them they can really book it.

That last sentence, ladies and germs, is foreshadowing.

So, FIRST thing we noticed was the presence of the tortoises, which were off-exhibit for awhile during MOLA's construction and had not been reintroduced as of our last visit. SECOND thing we noticed was that the biggest of the five specimens in the enclosure was moving pretty rapidly toward one of the smaller tortoises - and, while the smaller tortoise seemed aware of Big Papa's advance (or advances? More foreshadowing) and had herself picked up speed, the gap was closing.

Making conversation with my own two kids and the three daughters of our friends, I said, in my sing-song-y mom voice, "Uh, oh, if she doesn't watch out, he's going to run right over her and . . . OH. MY."

Big Papa did, in fact, run right over her - and then started giving her the business. Repeatedly. With each turtle thrust, he would lean over and bite her on the head, then someone would make a rather distinctive grunt, and then the two of them would be propelled forward. They ended up doing a complete donut around a tree. Most of the time, Big Papa was supporting himself on his hind legs, but at various points he was balanced entirely on her shell, with all four of his legs off of the ground.

The whole thing took a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time.

Meanwhile, the kids are working themselves into a frenzy: "Look, she's giving him a piggyback ride. HE'S ON TOP OF HER, MOM! Wheeeeeeeee! This is SO cool. Go, tortoises, go. Faster. Faster! RIDE that tortoise! PIGGYBACK!"

Yes, kids, piggyback is right - "piggyback," as in "pork, "pork" as in "porking," and - hey, look, they're feeding the gharials. Direct your attention over there.


Just anywhere but here:


Of course, the parents are falling out laughing throughout. And shooting video. And cracking jokes: "Anyone got two cigarettes to spare?"

The "during" photos are above. This was my first attempt at shooting turtle porn, but all in all I am pleased with the results. The "after" photo (sorry, no cigarettes) is below. Notice the body language - the awkwardness is almost palpable. Not pictured: the subsequent turtle "walk of shame."


I also shot two video clips, but I cannot for the life of me figure out how to pull them off of my new camera with audio intact. The audio really makes them: in the first clip, you can hear the grunting, and in the second, you can hear my five year-old cheering them on.

Digging for the camera manual now. Stay tuned for the next installment: "Turtle Porn - The Video."