You know you're destined for a great dinner experience when the meal begins with your youngest child attempting to drag your oldest child to the dinner table by grasping his heel and yanking him off of a bed.
Post-Heelgate shenanigans did not disappoint.
Little Kid (LK) to his brother: You only like vegetables. That makes you a herbivore. Whereas I like vegetables and meat, which makes me an omnivore. [Singing] IIIIIIIIIIII am an omnivore, like quetzalcoatlus, the biggest flying thing in the history of EEEEEEEEEVER.
Big Kid (BK) to LK: Seriously, why did you have to pull me off of the bed? I landed weird, and now my toe is doing THIS. [Lifts his foot above table level, revealing a seriously contorted toe. Knowing that BK is double-jointed and can contort his toes at will, none of us take the bait.]
BK: [Feigning indignation] SERIOUSLY? YOU HURT ME!
LK: Physically, or emotionally, or both?
LK: Style over substance. That's my middle name.
BK: What are you, an underwear model?
LK: In fact, I am. [Jumps out of chair, unsnaps pants, stretches and examines waistband.] I am the spokesperson for FRUIT OF THE LOO!
BK: LOOM, doofus. Fruit of the LOOM. Your thumb is covering one of the letters.
Mom: Loo kinda works, too.
LK: Style over substance would make a great monogram. Or, not a monogram, but you know -
Mom: Something embroidered on a pillow?
BK (concluding a discussion about how Canadians tend to be pleasant to a fault): Canada: Odie to America's Garfield.
LK: Bwahaha! I love Garfield.
LK: Excuse me. [Runs off.]
BK: NUH-UH. I saw you grab that handful of peas. YOU'RE GOING TO FLUSH THEM DOWN THE TOILET, AREN'T YOU? [Pursues his brother around the corner.]
LK (from around said corner): NO. I'm eating them while I go to the bathroom, like I always do. [Editor's note: HUH?] They help me poop better.
BK: Mom! Dad! I totally caught him sitting on the toilet with a handful of peas between his legs.
Mom: I just don't want to know.
Dinner theater. Seven shows a week.