Personal Statement

Personal Statement

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Dinner Theater

You know you're destined for a great dinner experience when the meal begins with your youngest child attempting to drag your oldest child to the dinner table by grasping his heel and yanking him off of a bed.

Post-Heelgate shenanigans did not disappoint.


Little Kid (LK) to his brother:  You only like vegetables.  That makes you a herbivore.  Whereas I like vegetables and meat, which makes me an omnivore.  [Singing] IIIIIIIIIIII am an omnivore, like quetzalcoatlus, the biggest flying thing in the history of EEEEEEEEEVER.


Big Kid (BK) to LK:  Seriously, why did you have to pull me off of the bed?  I landed weird, and now my toe is doing THIS.  [Lifts his foot above table level, revealing a seriously contorted toe.  Knowing that BK is double-jointed and can contort his toes at will, none of us take the bait.]

LK:  Meh.

BK:  [Feigning indignation]  SERIOUSLY?  YOU HURT ME!

LK:  Physically, or emotionally, or both?


LK:  Style over substance.  That's my middle name.

BK:  What are you, an underwear model?

LK:  In fact, I am.  [Jumps out of chair, unsnaps pants, stretches and examines waistband.]  I am the spokesperson for FRUIT OF THE LOO!

BK:  LOOM, doofus.  Fruit of the LOOM.  Your thumb is covering one of the letters.

LK:  Oh.

Mom:  Loo kinda works, too.

LK:  Style over substance would make a great monogram.  Or, not a monogram, but you know -

Mom:  Something embroidered on a pillow?



BK (concluding a discussion about how Canadians tend to be pleasant to a fault):  Canada:  Odie to America's Garfield.

LK:  Bwahaha!  I love Garfield.


LK:  Excuse me.  [Runs off.]

BK:  NUH-UH.  I saw you grab that handful of peas.  YOU'RE GOING TO FLUSH THEM DOWN THE TOILET, AREN'T YOU?  [Pursues his brother around the corner.] 

LK (from around said corner):  NO.  I'm eating them while I go to the bathroom, like I always do.  [Editor's note:  HUH?]  They help me poop better.

BK:  Mom!  Dad!  I totally caught him sitting on the toilet with a handful of peas between his legs.

Mom:  I just don't want to know.

Dinner theater.  Seven shows a week.

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