Saw this headline on the Internet:
Grandpa has faith girl mauled by pit bulls will recover
Except it was formatted like this:
Grandpa has faith girl
mauled by pit bulls
will recover
So my brain processed it line by line. Actual transcript of my thought processes is below:
What is a faith girl? Like, are we talking Pentecostal, or . . . ?
WHO HAS THEIR GRANDAUGHTER MAULED BY PIT BULLS? I mean, even if you find their religion REALLY repugnant . . . .
"Will recover." What the what? That doesn't make grammatical sense . . . oh. Okay.
That sentence really could have benefited from a well-placed "that."
******
Found in a news article this list of foods that you absolutely shouldn't, and possibly shouldn't, refrigerate. My annotations in Italics:
NEVER REFRIGERATE:
Potatoes (I'm one for one! I leave them in the pantry, and then promptly forget about them, whereupon they attempt to put down roots. Then I throw them away. My little part in keeping the economy chugging along.)
Onions (Hmm, the article didn't say whether you need to refrigerate them once you cut them. I don't refrigerate whole ones but do refrigerate partial ones. So I'll give myself partial credit.)
Avocados (See "Onions," above. Another half-point.)
Tomatoes (I failed this one. And, apparently, this failure is why my tomatoes get mealy. Of course, these days my tomato-buying is limited to Romas, which don't provide a whole lot of raw material for mealiness. This is exactly why I buy them, by the way: Spouse is skeeved out by the pulp in a raw tomato, but he will eat raw tomato if it is diced small and the pulp is discarded. So if I want to incorporate tomatoes into salads and whatnot, I have to dice 'em up like I was making pico de gallo. I gave up the ghost on this one when not one, but TWO, coworkers confessed to having the same issue. Apparently, I'm the odd one out. Grew up in a household where tomatoes were big and juicy, and after you sliced 'em, you salted 'em to pull out the juice even more. Note to file: buy one, big and juicy personal tomato to savor while thumbing nose at Spouse.)
Bananas (Duh. You don't refrigerate them, but once they start to turn, you can freeze them, for later use in banana bread. Do it all of the time.)
Melons (I only store melon in the fridge once I chop it up - which is exactly what the article says to do, so more points for me.)
Stone fruits (Fail. I refrigerate these.)
Bread (Duh, again. Same rule as with bananas: refrigerator, no; freezer, yes.)
Pastries (This has never been an issue in our household, on account of how pastries don't last that long in our household.)
Hot sauce
Spices
Honey
Peanut butter
Oils (Five more points for Gryffindor.)
MAYBE DON'T REFRIGERATE:
Apples (One full point for me.)
Coffee (Another full point. Coffee comes in pods in our household, and said pods reside in a neat little storage drawer under the Keurig. So, yeah.)
Eggs (I award myself a half point. I refrigerate them generally, but when I am doing a day of baking, I take them out ahead of time, to get to room temperature, and then I leave them out until I'm done.)
Butter (See "Eggs," above. Another half point.)
Condiments (Meh, I'll continue to refrigerate my ketchup and mustard out of force of habit - but I will be less squeamish about using the ones at the diner.)
Salad dressings (Eww. Just, eww.)
Soy sauce (Not an issue. I stopped buying soy sauce when the little packets from Asian takeout started to pile up. Now I just keep a certain number of those on hand, for those rare occasions when something calls for soy.)
I am torn as to whether to share this list with Spouse. On the one hand, he thinks that I waste perfectly good food because of spoilage concerns, so he might be happy to know that I am actually, sort of, progressive in a number of areas. On the other hand, he may view the list as a license to continue to purchase watermelons and store them on our porch - which I think is just totally weird and unnecessary.
******
Today's strange Subway encounter (a story in two parts):
1. The woman in front of me ordered a chopped salad (which looked good, by the way, and I was intrigued by the cutting-edge methodology that the "sandwich artist" used to chop the veggies), and the guy who checked her out (an assistant manager, I believe) asked her if she wanted chips with her salad. Is this a thing? I have never - NOT ONCE - gone into a restaurant and ordered a side of fries to go with my salad. Burger and fries? Yes. Salad and a side veggie? Yes. Burger and side veggie? Yes. Salad and fries? NO.
Yeah, yeah, I know that fries are technically a "side veggie." I'm talking creamed spinach or squash casserole here.
2. When I informed the same assistant manager that I was having the "Fresh Value Meal," he asked me what kind of sub I was having. For those who aren't familiar (and I would like to think that a Subway assistant manager should not be among you unfamiliar types), the Fresh Value Meal features a different type of sub every day, AND YOU HAVE TO PURCHASE THAT SUB TO GET THE MEAL DEAL. So, since Monday is turkey/ham, saying that you are purchasing the Fresh Value Meal on a Monday IS TANTAMOUNT TO SAYING TURKEY/HAM WITHOUT ACTUALLY SAYING TURKEY/HAM. I really fought the urge to explain this to him, and also point out the earlier weirdness of offering chips as a side to a salad.
My coworker said I should have answered him, "The Thursday one."
******
Yes, it was one of the "weird tomato fetish" coworkers.
******
I wish I thought faster on my feet when Subway personnel pose stupid questions.
******
Given the existence of the chopped salad on the Subway menu, do we still call them "sandwich artists"? Is salad artistry an entirely different field than sandwich artistry, requiring you to go back to Subway school for dual certification?
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