Dear Katy Perry

We have come to expect that you will provide us with the "infectious jam of the summer."  (See:  "California Gurls," "Last Friday Night (T.GI.F.)").  With this year's "Birthday," you have exceeded yourself - on multiple levels. 

Catchiness?  10 out of 10.

Saturation with double entrendres?

Oh, lordy.

There's, like, two phrases in the entire song that won't make me cringe when my nine year-old sings them from the backseat. 

I especially like the part about getting your significant other* into his birthday suit so you can bring out the "big balloons."

You're talking about something like this, right? 

Yeah, I didn't think so.

[Sigh.]

* At least your significant other is no longer that Massengill-hygiene-product-in-human-form, John Mayer.  He was harder to explain than your lyrics.