The Parker Rants - September 2010 Edition

So on Sunday we overheard the five year-old respond, "Fo shizzle," to a question posed by the ten year-old. Okay, technically "fo shizzle" is not a swear word (swear phrase?), but it frequently is followed by more offensive words, and it's generally a little too "street" for the kindergarten world - so (after stifling inappropriate laughter) we shut it down. A few minutes later, he said it again, and the second time, we REALLY had to lay down the law - having confirmed that he picked it up from a Cartoon Network show, we advised him that the third offense would result in revocation of viewing privileges vis-a-vis said show. (No, we didn't say "revocation" or "vis-a-vis"; I'm paraphrasing!)

I think that maybe the "no nap" thing must be getting to him, because we're noticing A LOT of ranting in the just-prior-to-dinner hour, and Sunday night was no exception: after many tears, several slammed doors, and multiple utterances of, "You guys are being MEAN to me!" he disappeared into his room and returned five minutes later with the following manifesto (written fairly neatly, with some phonetic spelling employed, but the message came through loud and clear):

BY THE TIME THAT YOU READ THIS I WILL BE FAR AWAY. SO, YOU KNOW, GOODBYE NOW. (***) ***-**** [our home phone number].

Observations:

1) As funny as Parker rants are when spoken, they are somehow tons funnier when written. What fun awaits us in the years to come (said only partly sarcastically)!

2) Like his brother, he writes like he speaks. "By the time that you read this": vintage Parker melodrama. "So, you know": vintage Parker Valley-boy speak. The only thing that would have made it more perfect is if he had written it, "So, you know, goodbye and stuff."

3) What's up with the phone number? With a relatively straight face, I pointed out that giving the phone number to us doesn't accomplish much if (a) he's leaving the residence to which the phone number has been assigned and (b) we're staying at that number. And we have the note.

Apparently, I did not keep my face straight enough, because he picked up on the fact that I was having fun with all of this, and more door-slamming ensued. By this point, I was on the phone with my mother, and I heard several choruses of, "You and Nana need to S, T, O, P talking about me. If you S, T, O, P talking about me, then I might not leave." (Yes, he frequently spells words in the middle of sentences - for emphasis, and simply to show off the fact that he can spell.) So we S, T, O , P'd talking about him, and - of course - he promptly got angry because he was no longer the center of attention. The only thing that upsets Parker more than being mocked - the cessation of mocking in favor of other, less Parker-focused topics of conversation.

Ultimately he lost interest in being contrary and zonked out on the floor - but not after responding to my question about what he might want for dinner (I'd been working out in the yard, made minimal plans for din-din and was resigned to playing short order cook), "NOTHING, Mom, NOTHING. N, O, THING."

Lord, I love this age. No, seriously, I do. No need to pay to see a stand-up comedian, or movies, even - you have all of the entertainment that you need, in-home, 24/7.