The Parktionary

Parker James would like to remind everyone that this is his birthday month - and he does remind everyone, frequently. Each morning, we get both countdowns - number of days until his actual birthday and number of days until his party. We also get a daily gift wish list update. Today's version: "All of the Batman Trio toys, a remote-controlled Iron Man that shoots darts, a Dairy Queen Home Blizzard Maker, five Pillow Pets and a Snuggie." (You probably can tell from the list that "as seen on TV" ads hold PJ in their sway. His brother was the same way at this age: "Mom, I HAVE to have this. And, wait, there's MORE - you get two, two, TWO for the price of ONE!" If they said it on TV, Connor was convinced that it had to be true . . . until the day that Mom burst his bubble by asking him to identify the best mattress in the world. "Sleep Number! Wait, no, Tempurpedic. [GASP.] Mom, how can they BOTH be the best mattress in the world?" How indeed, son - how indeed.)

In honor of the soon-to-be-birthday boy, during the month of October I will be spotlighting some of the greatest hits of his first six years on Earth. Today's topic: vocabulary.

PJ loves to make up words, most of which are highly social useful and all of which are extremely logical. I have previously noted his use of the compound words "graymote" (for the Dish Network DVR remote control, which is gray) and "to-morning" (referring to tomorrow morning) as well as the highly descriptive term, "random oranges" (you know, the extremely small orange segments that come in a cup - definitely random, right?). Other Parker creations include:

"Microtater": Singular noun added to lexicon at age three. Small oven frequently used to cook baked potatoes.

"Nap-by": Singular noun added at age four. The person who naps next to you in preschool. ("Zachary was my nap-by; our cots were near the block center.")

"Sopaipeople": Plural noun added at age five. Tasty treats made by cutting dough with a person-shaped cookie cutter and then deep-frying the dough pieces and topping them with cinnamon and powdered sugar. ("I like to put honey on my sopaipeople.")

Other favorite PJ words came from mishearing things or from extending grammar rules to their logical conclusion:

"Tooth": Adjective. Synonym for "second"; can be abbreviated as "2th." ("I got that toy for my tooth birthday.")

"Sour ice cream": Singular noun. Popular baked potato topping. ("When the microtater dings, can I put the sour ice cream on the potato?")

"Brown Sprite": Singular noun. Coke or Pepsi, Diet or otherwise.

"Peanutbutterfingerbar": Singular proper noun. Tasty chocolate-covered candy that comes in a bright yellow wrapper.

"Ruby cereal": Singular noun. Dry dog food, like the kind that we feed our Sheltie, Ruby.

"Arburrito": Singular proper noun. Place where many kinds of trees and shrubs are grown for exhibition or study. ("Mom, I want to see the pumpkins at the Arburrito.")

"Monster Sink": Singular proper noun. Disney Pixar movie featuring the vocal talents of John Goodman and Billy Crystal.

"Hidagruseum": Singular proper noun. Live-action movie starring Ben Stiller as the night guard at a museum where history literally comes alive.

"Hidagruseum Song": Singular proper noun. Refers to Earth, Wind and Fire's "September," which is featured in the last scene of Hidagru - I mean, "Night at the Museum."

Finally, from a very young age Parker exhibited a tendency to substitute two-dollar words for run-of-the-mill ones. If you ever hear me say that Parker rarely said "no" as a small child, please don't rush out to nominate him for Toddler of the Century. He rarely said "no," but he said "NEVER!" a lot. A LOT a lot. Other favorites included or include:

"Sure": Flipside of "never," and a frequent substitute for the totally played-out and boring "yes."

"Sure am": See above.

"VICTORY!": A popular one at age three, uttered whenever he successfully beat his brother at a game, appropriated a toy from him, etc.

"Awesome!" and "Oh, MAN!": Highly useful interjections.

"I did NOT see that one coming": Expression of extreme surprise.

"Ingenious": One of the more recent additions to the Parker Dictionary (Parktionary?). Actual sample sentence: "Mom, the way you make your buttercream icing LIME-COLORED is totally INGENIOUS. You are a cupcake GENIUS, Mom."

On that upbeat and affirming commentary on my parenting skills, I believe that I shall sign off. But more to come, for sure . . . .