Personal Statement

Personal Statement

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Fun on the Interwebs: Questionable Patriotic Decor

I didn't decorate much for the Fourth this year, on account of how I failed to locate the giant Rubbermaid tote o' flags and patriotic kitsch.  (Note to personal file:  Purchase red, white and blue Rubbermaid tote so it is impossible to misplace flags and patriotic kitsch.  Note to Rubbermaid's file:  If you don't manufacture a red, white and blue tote, you totally should.  Also, if you don't have a file for customer suggestions - or if you don't actively search the Internet for customer suggestions posted, say, to a random blog - you totally should.)  Since we're having a garage sale at some point in the very near future, I'm confident that I will locate the tote, and the corresponding flags and patriotic kitsch, soon, certainly in time for next year's July 4th celebration.  (Can you call it a garage sale if you don't have an actual functioning garage?  Second note to personal file:  Have the kids paint a totally adorable "Carriage House Sale" banner as a means of luring in potential buyers.  Then recruit them to sell refreshments underneath said banner.  It's a one-two punch of retail - resale? - genius.)

I would like to add some bunting to the mix, and I figured that now is a good time to acquire it, this being the week after the Fourth of July and all.  After striking out at a couple of brick-and-mortar outposts, I decided to search for bunting bargains on the Internet - and my search for "discount patriotic bunting" pulled up a link to the Terry's Village Web site.

I used to get the Terry's Village catalog.  I think I even purchased some stuff.  And then I realized that I don't particularly care for the "country cute" aesthetic.  T.V. eventually got the hint and stopped sending me catalogs.  So - out of sight, out of mind, until the other day.

T.V. did, in fact, have bunting at a deep, deep discount.  Apparently, rather cruddy bunting, rating an average of two reviewer stars.  I considered buying some, anyway, in order to satisfy my morbid curiosity:  how, exactly, do you screw up bunting so badly that numerous reviewers feel compelled to diss your product on the Interwebs?  (The biggest customer complaint:  "Not really red."  Yeah, I'd say that was a material issue.  Ooh, that was an unintentional pun - MATERIAL issue?  Hee, hee, hee.  But I digress.)

When I opted out of purchasing the (really bad, sort-of-rust-colored) bunting, the T.V. site suggested some other products for my consideration.  I will share some of them with you now.

Stars and stripes toilet paper.  Really?  Who's the target market - Al Qaeda operatives?  (Who, of course, would only touch it with their left hands.  Impressed that I knew that the left hand was the hygiene hand?  Would you be less impressed if I told you that I Wikipedia-ed it, just to be sure?  By the way, apropos of not much, reason number 12,597 that I would make a HORRIBLE Muslim:  I'm left-handed.  Ergo, my left hand is my go-to hand for pretty much everything except using scissors - you know, there was always a shortage of left-handed scissors in school, so I learned to cope.  My left-handed brothers and sisters, you feel me, right?  Anywho, curious about the degree of overlap on a Venn diagram of "left-handed Muslims" and "Muslim social pariahs."  Betting it's a substantial overlap.)

Seriously, who wants to wipe their bohiney on patriotic toilet paper?  Oh, wait - THIS GUY:

The Uncle Sam hippie.  No doubt, he is constructed of the finest quality of resin available in Taiwan.

Scary.  But not as scary as THESE GUYS:

"MOM!  GIANT DISEMBODIED UNCLE SAM HEADS HAVE EATEN OUR DINING ROOM CHAIRS!"  Sorry, but these actually, factually frighten me.  Like, if I owned these, I would come around the corner, forgetting that they were there, and jump a little bit and skip a couple of heartbeats when I saw them.  Except that will never happen, because I am NOT buying these.

I'm not buying these pillows, either, although - truth be told - I find them at least a little cute:

It's like your bath rug had a few too many brewskis at the fireworks display, got it on with a flag, and these babies are the result.

I did end up making one post-Fourth purchase (not online, but at my local Calloway's Nursery):

"Boom" and "Pow" plant stakes.  Yes, I purchased two of the "Booms" and only one "Pow."  To be displayed precisely in that order.  It took the sales associate a couple of seconds to get the joke.  But it only took a couple of seconds.  Guess she is a Black-Eyed Peas fan.

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