Personal Statement

Personal Statement

Thursday, March 8, 2012


. . . I am letting my seven year-old redecorate his room with THIS as the focal point:

For those of you unfamiliar with "Sharktopus," the made-for-SyFy-Channel film starring Eric Roberts - yeah, it's about what you would expect from a made-for-SyFy film starring Eric Roberts that is about a giant half-shark, half-octopus.  I definitely would rate it below "Mega Python vs. Gatoroid," which gets a bump up due to the presence of Debbie Gibson and Tiffany amongst its cast members.  (Speaking of bump . . . its, I see that in June of this year, SyFy will be presenting the instant classic, "Jersey Shore Shark Attack," described on their Web site as follows:

Albino bull sharks are no match for attitude, fist pumps and spray tans.

O. M. G.  PJ will be all over this, because he loves bull sharks almost as much as great whites, and an albino bull shark (which is basically a BULL SHARK MASQUERADING AS A GREAT WHITE) will blow his mind.  And I will be all over this, because I have wanted to see Snooki get eaten by a shark for quite some time now.  Is that how you spell Snooki?   Pretty pleased that I don't actually know.)

I tried to hide the existence of the poster from him, because of the slight obscenity at the bottom (the dismembered guy is muttering, "Damn you, Sharktopus"), but, really, more because I wasn't sure about the concept of my child having ERIC ROBERTS-THEMED ART in his room.  (When I shared the poster with a co-worker, his response was, "Dear Lord, please tell me that Eric Roberts gets consumed by a shark in this film.")

PJ saw it, though, when I was showing his brother this poster on Wonderbros' Etsy site:

No sooner had C uttered, "Yes, I totally want that," PJ's hand flies out, and his finger stabs at the small thumbnail image of Sharktopus:

"SHARKTOPUS.  I SEE IT.  Enlarge it, Mom, NOW."

It was all over but the ordering.  We did conference in Dad, and we collectively decided that, if there's ever an appropriate time to swear, the moment after a shark dismembers you is probably that time.  So we agreed that, if PJ committed to not swearing in connection with anything short of a shark attack, he could have the poster.

And then I agreed to order both posters (to take advantage of a bulk discount promotion) IMMEDIATELY, so that I could walk the Sharktopus poster into the Benjamin Moore showroom and have them color-match the water before painting begins at the house.  Because PJ wants his room to be "Sharktopus Blue."  And I am totally fine with that, as long as "Sharktopus Blue" translates into "Philipsburg Blue," which is the color I already picked out for him.

And - trust me on this - it WILL.

I happen to love the Sharktopus poster, because it's an obvious homage to the great Saul Bass film posters from the '50's and '60's:

Not that PJ has a frame of reference . . . yet.  But, given his love of horror and suspense films, I'm confident that we'll be moving on to Hitchcock soon.

I am also ordering the boys these two gems from Austin artist Rob Osborne:

That's "Boba Yoga" up top and "Yoda Yoga"down below.  PJ picked Boba Fett, and C wanted Yoda.  I tried to sell them on the genius of the companion piece, "Droid Yoga" (BECAUSE ALL R2D2 CAN DO IS THE MOUNTAIN POSE, ON ACCOUNT OF HOW HE DOESN'T BEND!  HE JUST STANDS UP!  HILARIOUS!), but I was unsuccessful.

I feel particularly good about the kids' art choices, because:  (1) all of the artists come from Texas (according to their Etsy site, Wonderbros - I presume that there are at least two of them - hail from "Planet Houston"); and (2) the artists also have a healthy respect for DC Comics characters, as they should.  And Mr. Osborne, specifically, understands the concept that WONDER WOMAN SHOULD NEVER BE WITH THAT WIMP SUPERMAN BUT SHOULD ALWAYS - ALWAYS - BE PAIRED WITH BATMAN:

He speaks the truth, Diana.  You should trust him - he's the World's Greatest Detective.

And I am really kind of kicking myself for not throwing "Wonder Woman Picasso" into my Wonderbros' bulk order:

SHE'S IN HER INVISIBLE JET.  You got that, right?  Wonder if the Wonderbros would let me add Diana after the fact?

Because that would be Wonderful.

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