Personal Statement

Personal Statement

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Countdown to the New Old House: Total Insanity Awards

The finalists for the "most insane moment of my day, March 14th edition":

1) Just hung up with Spouse.  He was at Lowe's, tracking down a SKU for the Mystery Sink.  The Mystery Sink is a pedestal sink that exists in Lowe's stores but does not exist on the Internet.  (Seriously, is it possible for anything NOT to exist on the Internet?  Apparently.)  We were hoping to find a SKU so that I could order it online, because when Lowe's got wind of the forwarding order that we filed with the post office, they helpfully sent us a 10% off coupon to congratulate us on our new residence.  Which, you know, is an APARTMENT, so not a lot of renovation opportunities there, which makes me question the sanity of Lowe's marketing department - but this is about my insanity, not Corporate America's, so I digress.  Anyway, coupon expires tomorrow, so we're placing a big order tonight, and we're placing it online, so that the kids get Upromise college savings off of the deal.

Anyway again:  Mystery Sink does not have a SKU.  Well, it has one, but refuses to recognize it.  So I can purchase the sink in person, or over the phone, but not over the Internet.  What the WHAT?  Whatever.  It's the perfect sink, and - bonus - it's really reasonably priced.  Moving on.

2)  While Spouse was at Lowe's, he played various garbage disposals for me over the phone.  So that I could pick one based on relative noise levels.  I have had songs played for me over the phone before.  A guy I knew in law school even sang an Elvis song to me over the phone on my birthday, in front of an audience.  But I have never known a guy who cared enough about me weird enough to play InSinkErators for me over the phone.

By the way, we're going with the "Evolution" model, which really bums Spouse out, because he desperately wanted to like the "Badger."  Just so he could say that he purchased a badger for the house.

3)  We are also ordering our granite double kitchen sink tonight, but not from Lowe's, because the similar item at Lowe's has a divider that comes up too high and makes it difficult to wash large items, like baking pans and cookie sheets.  Okay, I'm going to divide this entry in half.  Entry #3:   Spouse and I have had, like, THIRTY DIFFERENT CONVERSATIONS ABOUT GRANITE SINKS, and specifically about how the Elkay "Harmony" model has a superior divider, which makes it our first choice.  Today's granite sink conversation focused on the Franke double-wide sink without the divider, which is available at Lowe's (even online!) and would be a top choice, except that it only comes in graphite and not in mocha brown.  How is this a conversation topic at all?  I have no idea - but there it is.

4)  After ordering one Elkay "Harmony" mocha brown granite double-basin undermount kitchen sink from (because National Builder Supply has it on back order, and OMG, WHY DO I KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT SINKS RIGHT NOW?), we are going to have to separately order the drain thingies, because the drain thingies do not come standard.  And when I say that we are going to have to separately order them, I mean that we are going to have to SEPARATELY ORDER THEM, because no one retailer has both the mocha brown sink strainer AND the mocha brown disposal ring.  So you have to buy them from two different places.  And the mocha brown sink strainer will set you back $40 before you even get to shipping.  That's more useless sink knowledge for you.  Feel free to use it to impress people at parties.

I keep telling myself that we have been waiting for seven-plus months to get to the point where we could start buying things for the house.  But I question whether this brand of insanity is a step up from "imploring the insurance company to pull its head out" insanity.  I think it's mostly a wash.  Before, when I was taking a shower, I would find myself drafting demand letter provisions and discovery requests in my head.  Now, when I am in the shower, I have conversations with myself that go like this:

The master bedroom definitely needs to be Adams Gold.  But what will we do with Woodstock Tan?  I really love Woodstock Tan.  Maybe I could use it in the hallway.  No.  The hallway definitely needs to be Mink.  Mink is my THING.  Although . . . the dining room would look killer with Woodstock Tan on top and Simply White on the bottom.  But only if we paneled the lower half of the walls.  Simply White paneling, not Simply White wallboard - ick.  And, again, Mink and Palladian Blue - well, that's just my dining room, plain and simple.  THE WORLD MIGHT TUMBLE OFF OF ITS AXIS IF MY DINING ROOM WASN'T MINK AND PALLADIAN BLUE.  But . . . I could paint the chair rail Simply White while leaving the rest of the color scheme as is?  AHA!  The reason that I don't like my dining room (because, apparently, I don't like my dining room, and am just now coming to terms with that fact HERE IN THE SHOWER) is that I zigged when I should have zagged and painted the chair rail to match the bottom wall color.  The chair rail has the same fluting as the door frames; they need to be unified.  Problem solved.  Wait - what problem?  Wasn't I trying to figure out what to do with Woodstock Tan?

By the way again, I don't have these conversations out loud.  I think.

Okay, the band is playing me off of the awards stage.  (Thinking about giving my insanity award a name - the Badger.)  Time to return to my actual job - the one that allows me to order expensive sink parts from three different retailers, and pay to ship them separately.


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