Regretsy featured these "Diamonds of the Sea" ornaments the other day, and I just had to share.
This is Salty. Salty Merman. But, given that it appears that Salty has enlisted in the Navy, it would also be totally appropriate to refer to him as a seaman.
Salty Seaman.
This is Logger Merman. I can totally see one of the "American Loggers" from the reality show bringing this fellow to a holiday ornament exchange. If loggers have ornament exchanges. And enjoy getting beaten up in connection therewith.
This Merman's name is Mario. The glasses-on-the-head thing does have a certain Mario Lopez-ish vibe to it. Am wondering if it's an homage.
Pretty clearly, Zircon Merman is an homage to the kid from "Blue Lagoon." And, seriously, how sad is it to be the Diamond of the Sea named after a fake diamond? A guy really knows where he stands in the pecking order. (Heh . . . heh . . . heh.)
This is White Tuxedo Groom Merman. Looks a wee little bit like Anderson Cooper. Just sayin'.
There is also a Black Tuxedo Groom Merman. (That would be a Caucasian merman - if it's correct to refer to a merman as Caucasian - wearing a black tuxedo, not an African-American merman - again, if my nomenclature is correct - wearing a tuxedo of any color. Just to clarify. Caucasian merman is brunette, because, evidently, it is important to match one's hair color to one's tuxedo.) Together they would make for a lovely anti-Prop 8 statement . . . particularly if you are a political activist with an aquatic-themed tree.
The Web site says that either of the Tuxedo Groom Mermen would look lovely with Bride Mermaid. (Yes, there are mermaids, too. Any resemblance between said mermaids and drag queens is, I'm sure, completely coincidental.)
I'm not convinced. I think Bride Mermaid is a natural counterpart to Tuxedo Bride Mermaid.
I could go on. Yes, there is a cop, and a construction worker, and an Indian. You can totally build your own collection of Village People mermen. There is also a hairdresser named Bruce. Oh, did I mention that the construction worker's name is Jack Hammer?
Of course, Spouse immediately asked about pricing. ($23.95 per unit. Heh . . . heh . . . heh. "Unit.") This is exactly the sort of thing that, at a lower price point, he might buy for his brothers as a gag gift. (Heh . . . heh . . . okay, I'll stop. For now.) For the record, his brothers have earned a lifetime supply of gag gifts. Spouse still hasn't gotten over the trauma of our first married Christmas at his parents' house. The younger siblings asked for a gift suggestion for me, and - naive boy that he was - he provided them with a serious suggestion and told them that I wanted a Charles Barkley-autographed basketball. (No, for reals - I have a Hakeem ball in my office, and I wanted a Charles to go along with. Because, for years, I was forced to pretend-hate Charles when he played for Phoenix, because Phoenix was our Western Conference nemesis, but pretending to hate Charles made me feel dirty, because I LOVED Charles, the way I loved Bill Laimbeer. Unapologetically and whole-heartedly. Thus, I wept tears of pure joy when he got traded to the Rockets - similar to the happy tears that I wept when Hakeem and Clyde Drexler were reunited, and again when Clyde got his championship ring. Man, I wish we'd gotten Charles a championship ring. Hopefully, the fact that I named my cat after him is small consolation.
Have I mentioned that? That my oldest Maine Coon's full name is Charles Wade Barkley McGlinchey? Have I mentioned that I acquired him on Human Charles Wade Barkley's birthday but DIDN'T ACTUALLY KNOW THAT UNTIL A YEAR LATER? Seriously, it was a total coincidence. Clearly, he was destined for the name. It suits him to a tee - he's my "round mound of rebound," and he's "not a role model.")
I digress. McGlinchey Sons #3 and #4 were, at the time, quite young (#4 was still in high school) and therefore not flush with cash, and, also, they each had (still have) a wicked sense of humor. So they bought me an actual gift (I forget what it was), and then they went up in the attic, MAYBE five minutes before we were supposed to exchange presents, and they retrieved a somewhat deflated, ancient basketball, and wrote fake autographs all over it with a half-dried-out red Sharpie marker. Not all of the autographs are from basketball players - some MLB and NFL greats are represented - and all of them are misspelled in kind-of-hilarious ways.
Needless to say, Spouse was scandalized (he did not know me then as well as he knows me now), and I thought it was the greatest gift ever.
While they were in the attic, the boys ran across a ticket to a Billy Ray Cyrus concert. Yes, the "Achy Breaky Heart" Tour. Was there another one? Allegedly, the ticket belonged to Spouse. So his brothers "framed" it in a cracked cassette tape case that they also found up in the attic, and hastily wrapped it, and gave it to Spouse immediately after presenting me with my non-autographed basketball.
Spouse was not amused. At the time, I was still Catholic. He probably was worried that Billy Ray Cyrus concert attendance was grounds for an annulment.
When I showed the Seamen - I mean, Mermen - to Spouse, I pointedly refrained from telling him that one of the ornaments is called the "Legal Briefs Merman." The two brothers in question are both attorneys. I am quite confident that presentation of that information would have gotten Spouse over his $23.95 sticker shock.
You're welcome, guys. Now buy me my damn basketball already.
No comments:
Post a Comment