Personal Statement

Personal Statement

Monday, December 19, 2011

19 of 25: More Guilty Holiday Music Pleasures

1.  "Christmas Is The Time To Say 'I Love You'" by Billy Squier

Apparently, this song was originally the B side to Squier's "My Kind of Lover," which is another guilty pleasure of mine, in that he repeats the phrase "My Kind of Lover" AT LEAST thirty times in the course of a two-minute song.  Just when you think he's finished saying it - he says it again.

So.  Awesomely.  Awful. 

2.  "Elf's Lament" by The Barenaked Ladies.

Speaking of repetition, check out these lyrics about a labor dispute at the North Pole (detailed from an elf's perspective):

We're used to repetition, so we drew up a petition

We, the undersigned, feel undermined
Let's redefine "employment"

We know that we've got leverage, so we'll hand the fat man a beverage
And sit back while we attack the utter lack of our enjoyment

It may be tough to swallow, but our threats are far from hollow
He may thunder, but if he blunders, he may wonder where the toys went

Loves me some Barenaked Ladies, and so do the kids:  we listen to "If I Had a Million Dollars" and their version of "The Other Day I Met a Bear" on a continuous loop in the car.  Except at Christmastime, when we switch to "Elf's Lament."

3.  "Do They Know It's Christmas" by Band Aid.

If you are a child of the eighties, you HAVE to do all of the voices:  Bono, Boy George, George Michael, etc.

I am a child of the eighties.  I do all of the voices.  And my kids look at me like I've gone daft.

4.  "Hard Candy Christmas" by Dolly Parton.

Awesomely cheesy.  Made even more awesome by the fact that it was written for the "Whorehouse" movie.  Which makes me think of sorority rush - OKAY, BEFORE YOUR MIND GOES COMPLETELY INTO THE GUTTER, HEAR ME OUT.  One of our rush skits was a salute to Broadway musicals, and one of the songs was from "Whorehouse," BUT WE CHANGED THE LYRICS:

Texas has a sorority house in it
[Lord have mercy on our souls]
Texas has a sorority house in it
[Lord have mercy on our souls]

We'll expose the facts because it fills us with such pride
What goes on in the house of ADPi
[What goes on in the house of ADPi]

Rush is goin' on inside
And can't you see, we're having fun
We've inquired, no one's denied it
ADPi's are number one

Singing, dancing, drinks are shared
No other house compares
No one can compete with ADPi
They wouldn't dare
[No one can compete with ADPi]

Do you know UT has more sorority houses
[Oh, no]
Filled with green-eyed
Peroxided blondes?
[Oh, no!]
Not to mention some types
That you'd never want to venture near
Acting all depraved, loose and wild
Half a mile from here

Texas has a sorority house in it
[Lord have mercy on our souls]
Texas has a sorority house in it
[Lord have mercy on our souls]
Welcome to our house
We hope that you will linger long
Lots of love and friendship goin' on
[Goin' on, goin' on, goin' on, GOIN' OOOOOOOON]
At A D Pi [bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum] YEE HAW!

BOO YAH!  From memory, peoples!  Because "Hard Candy Christmas" makes me think of "Whorehouse," it also makes me think of ZZ Top's "LaGrange," which was a song inspired by the actual Chicken Ranch in LaGrange, Texas, LaGrange also being home to the Bon Ton Bakery, which was the favorite bakery of the parents of my pledge class BFF, and her 'rents always stopped there on the way up to Austin for Parents' Weekend, and one time they brought me this particular kind of sweet roll that I did not enjoy because the bread-to-raisin ratio was way off, but I pretended that I liked them, and FOR THREE YEARS THEREAFTER EVERY TIME THEY CAME INTO TOWN THEY BROUGHT ME THOSE SWEET ROLLS BECAUSE THEY WERE "OUR THING," AND I NEVER HAD THE GUTS TO SAY, "I'D REALLY RATHER HAVE SAUSAGE KOLACHES.  SAUSAGE KOLACHES ARE MY ACTUAL THING."

A couple of years later, when Spouse was finishing his last year of law school, and I was planning our wedding, we spent a lot of time on the road between Austin and Houston, which happens to cut through LaGrange - and if we happened to be in the car together, as soon as we saw the Bon Ton, we would start humming the guitar riff from ZZ Top. 

It was our thing.

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