Personal Statement

Personal Statement

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Potpourri: Dear Subway Sandwich Artists

I'm getting signs laminated. To take with me to Subway. I need "signs," plural, because I have a lot to say, and I'm tired of repeating myself:

"I would like a 6-inch turkey on wheat, without cheese. I do not want it toasted, because, really, what's the point? Did you get the part about no cheese? Okay, so asking if I want it toasted is, to me, sort of a non sequitur, because the reason that we toast sandwiches is to make them "melts." Oh, don't tell me that some customers like their cheese-less sandwiches toasted, on account of how they want their sandwich on toasted bread. What you do isn't really toasting - it's not like you put the bread in a toaster oven, and THEN you make the sandwich on the toasted bread. You're heating an already-assembled sandwich. Which doesn't do much except to MELT ANY CHEESE INSIDE OF IT.

"Did you catch the part about my sandwich not having cheese?

"Good. Now that we've gotten that out of the way, I would like to ADD AVOCADO, and I want ALL OF THE VEGETABLES. I am mentioning the avocado first, because if I mention it second (which would be somewhat logical - 'I want everything that comes on my sandwich, plus I want to add seomething to the list'), you freak, because THE AVOCADO, you have informed me, IS SUPPOSED TO GO ON BEFORE ANY OTHER TOPPINGS. Notwithstanding the fact that: (1) the avocado is at the end of the toppings line; and (2) there is at least one among you who is capable of putting on all of the other toppings, then using the ubiquitous Subway knife/spatula thing to move the turkey slices out of the way, creating an opening between the turkey and bread into which avocado can be inserted.

"Yes, I am aware that avocado costs 75 cents extra. That is precisely why I said that I would like to ADD avocado. I accept the charge, and I hereby waive and relinquish any and all avocado upcharge-related claims that I may assert against Subway, you the sandwich artist (individually and in your capacity as agent) and your respective heirs, legal representatives, successors and assigns (hereinafter, the 'Releasees').

"Yes, when I said that I wanted ALL OF THE VEGETABLES, I understood that ALL OF THE VEGETABLES means ALL OF THE VEGETABLES. Including all three varieties of peppers - bell, banana and jalapeno. I hereby waive and relinquish any and all pepper-related claims that I may assert against the Releasees.

"I don't want salt and pepper, but I do want red wine vinegar. Okay, so you claim not to have red wine vinegar - just "vinegar." News flash: your ingredient menu says that you have red wine vinegar, and what you consider to be "just vinegar" is, actually, factually, RED WINE VINEGAR.

"First context clue? IT'S RED.

"No, I do not want chips and a drink. I know that you're supposed to sell me additional product if you can, but you really need to stop insulting my intelligence. I put this line of question right up there with Sonic's "Would you like some cheddar peppers to go with your [insert order item]?" Seriously, if I want cheddar peppers, I'm capable of ordering them myself. And if I wanted chips and a drink, I would have said so."

Told you I needed multiple laminated cards.

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