Personal Statement

Personal Statement

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Why Spouse is Quite Possibly the Sweetest Man on the Face of the Planet

So I was cleaning out my Gmail inbox and happened upon a sale notice from Bag, Borrow or Steal.  Decided to click on the link, because I am kind of toying with the idea of acquiring a gently used Louis Vuitton bag.  I have been kind of toying with this concept for quite some time, but the voices in my head keep making counterarguments.  Counterargument #1:  LV products are tremendously overpriced, but, if I bought one gently used, then I could justify the purchase, plus I could use it as an incentive for a major life change (like, say, remembering to drink eight glasses of water a day - I could make a deal with myself that if I drank eight glasses of water a day for a certain number of days in a row, ENOUGH TO MAKE IT A HABIT, then I could "earn" the bag). 

Take that, Head Voice.

Counterargument #2 is harder to overcome.  There are a lot of fake Louis bags out there, and a lot of the copies are almost impossible to tell from the real thing.  So, would I be spending a lot of money (well, a lot of money for cheapskate me) on something that people would assume was a fake?  Particularly given my reputation as a cheapskate?

This is why I am still "toying."  While I am toying, I am occasionally stalking.  Today's stalking was uneventful on the Louis front.  However:

1.  I drank 20 ounces of water whilst stalking.  (See?  The concept works.)

2.  I stumbled upon a really killer Tory Burch bag.

I like Tory Burch, but I think that she is a bit proud of her logo - almost as proud as Louis is of his.  As a means of reconciling my need for Tory merchandise with my inherent cheapskate-ness, I have made a deal with myself that I can purchase Tory products if they are:  (1) discounted by at least 30%, if we are talking about minor purchases (t-shirts, flip-flops, sunglasses, cosmetic bags); or (2) discounted by 50% or more, if we are talking about major purchases (outerwear, handbags, really serious shoes).  Yes, it's a very specific deal.  Hey, I'm a transactional attorney.  IT'S WHAT I DO.  And, again, THE CONCEPT WORKS.  My best score to date:  leather jacket, NINETY FIVE PERCENT OFF OF RETAIL.  

Top that.  (Even my Head Voices are murmuring their approval.)
Today's potential score fit the second criteria above.  So I e-mailed spouse:

Tory Burch bag (big enough to be a briefcase), in navy (don’t have a navy purse), for a scandalous price?

Early birthday?

I included a link to the bag on BBOS's Web site.

No response.  For, like, an hour.  Then this arrived in my inbox:
You should NOT buy this.

Also, I have heard that the website Bag, Borrow or Steal is sending out phony "confirmation of your order" emails that should NOT be opened . . .  or at least not opened before Valentine's Day.  

Know what's better than acquiring a really cute Tory bag at a really killer price?  Knowing that your spouse acquired it on your behalf.  And, also, knowing that your spouse knows you well enough to be somewhat concerned that you might go ahead and attempt to order the bag yourself, lack of spousal consent notwithstanding, so he thinks of a cute way to tell you that he has acquired it for you, so that you won't log back onto the Web site, discover that it's been sold, and become forlorn - or jump his stuff for not responding to your e-mail in a timely fashion.

My response to Spouse, which I am sharing with the Blogosphere, because I realize that I talk smack about Spouse a lot, but that's only because Clueless Spouse makes for funnier stories than Astute Spouse:

Okay, you are quite possibly the sweetest man on the face of the planet.  I don’t tell you that often enough.  But I am thinking about creating a macro in Word – assigning a function key to the phrase “you are quite possibly the sweetest man on the face of the planet” so that I can more readily insert it into e-mails and such with just a single keystroke.

Seriously.  Keyboards should come with a F[Heart] key.

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